Proof

As if I didn't need proof that my 14-year-old is the most awesome kid in the universe, THIS is what I woke up to this morning (the "speech" he wrote for English still on my computer screen):

For years man has been asking the same question. How do I get a girl to notice me? We have tried everything. We tried being the funny guy. Nothing. Being sweet and relating to the girl… nothing. We even stayed up till three A.M. on a school night reading her favorite book. And still nothing. Very rarely will one discover the secret… I am here to share it with you.

Girls, this part goes out to you. You are always complaining that you are single. That you want a boyfriend. Sure, most of us aren’t perfect. We wear basketball shorts with button up shirts. But at least we are wearing pants. And we think it looks good, even though we all know it doesn’t. So here is my advice, next time you see a well dressed man you better snatch him up. Wink. Wink.

It has become obvious that the solution to both your problems, and ours is that you should date me… I mean look at me.

When I asked women what they liked in a guy they said that they like guys who are nice. Me

Guys who are attractive. Have you seen my hair?

Guys who are interesting. Magic.

Must I continue.

Guys who they can talk to. My ears are huge. Look at them in comparison to my head.

Guys with common interest. I totally love the Bachelor and One Direction. And no, those jeans do not make you look fat.

Approximately three out of ten women will agree to go on a date with me. This problem is not going to bet better without our attention. I have come here to raise those yes’s from 3 to 9.

That is why you are all going home with my phone number. And… a date! You get a date, you get a date, you get a date. We all get a date.

I would like to leave you guys with my favorite song.

Ill be on your side when you need a friend

Through thick and thin you can always depend

On the world leader in hand holding and dating

NOAH JACOB BIRCH

(member FDIC)

THANK YOU, AND GOOD NIGHT.